My Mother Had Dementia — And We Didn’t Even Know: A Real Story Every Pakistani Family Must Read

By Afsheen Tariq | Mental Health Matter

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She was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. Well-dressed, strong, hardworking — the kind of woman who walked into a room and made everyone feel at ease. My mother was not just loved inside our family. Every neighbor, every friend, every person who ever met her, adored her. She had a gift — the gift of warmth.

But one day, the woman I knew began to disappear — slowly, quietly, and in ways none of us recognized. This is her story. And I am sharing it today because I believe it is also the story of thousands of Pakistani families who are watching their loved ones change without understanding why.

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What Is Dementia? Understanding the Disease We Often Ignore

Before I share my mother’s journey, let me tell you what dementia actually is — because when it happened to us, none of us knew.

Dementia is not a single disease. It is an umbrella term for a group of symptoms that affect memory, thinking, behavior and the ability to perform daily tasks. The most common type is Alzheimer’s disease, but there are several others including vascular dementia, Lewy body dementia and frontotemporal dementia.

Dementia usually begins gradually, worsens over time, and affects a person’s abilities in work, social interactions and relationships.

The most heartbreaking truth? In Pakistani communities, there is a significant lack of awareness and understanding of dementia, with cultural background playing a major role in shaping attitudes toward the disease. Many families — just like mine — spend months or even years not knowing what is happening to their loved one.

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Her Story: The Signs We Missed

After my father passed away, my mother faced the kind of grief that breaks a person from the inside. But she never showed it. She was strong — or so we thought. We got married one by one, my brothers, my sisters and I. She stayed home. We visited often, but the truth is — she was alone.

Loneliness crept in quietly. Then came the loss of my younger brother. And slowly, without any of us realizing it, something in her began to shift.

Sign 1 — She Became Aggressive

The first thing we noticed was her anger. A woman who had always been calm and composed began showing irritability and frustration. We thought it was grief. We thought it was loneliness. We did not think it was a disease.

Increased anger can be a warning sign of dementia. If someone with dementia gets frustrated or overwhelmed, they may react with aggression — even a normally calm, peaceful person.

We missed this sign completely.

Sign 2 — Her Appearance Changed

One day I visited and found her wearing mismatched, different colored clothes. For anyone who knew my mother, this was shocking. She was always immaculately dressed. Always. This small change was actually a big signal — but none of us understood it at the time.

Changes in personal grooming and clothing are a recognized early warning sign of dementia that families often overlook.

Sign 3 — She Began Confusing Reality

Then came the moment that truly scared me. I found her talking to the television — speaking directly to a TV host as if the host were her old friend, sitting in the room with her. She was fully convinced this person knew her and had grown up with her.

Some types of dementia can cause hallucinations — seeing people or objects that are not there, even though they may look very real to the person experiencing them.

Sign 4 — She Forgot Recent Things But Remembered the Past

My mother could tell you stories from thirty years ago with perfect detail — the colors, the names, the conversations. But she could not tell you what she had eaten for breakfast. She forgot that the home she was living in was her own home.

Memory loss that disrupts daily life is one of the first and most recognizable symptoms of dementia — including forgetting recently learned information while remembering older memories clearly.

Sign 5 — She Got Lost Outside the Home

One of the most terrifying moments for our family was when she stepped outside and could not find her way back home. The street she had lived on for decades had become unfamiliar to her.

Getting lost in familiar places is one of the early signs of dementia, along with short-term memory loss, confusion over simple tasks and changes in mood and behavior.

Sign 6 — Her Sleep Was Destroyed

She stopped sleeping properly. She became restless at night, shouting suddenly, living in a constant state of agitation. We were exhausted. She was suffering. And we still did not have a name for what was happening.

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The Long Road to Diagnosis

We took her to a doctor. The first doctor did not recognize the situation for what it was. He prescribed antidepressants and sleeping pills. They did not help. She got worse.

This experience is unfortunately very common in Pakistan. Increasing awareness about the risk factors and symptoms of dementia is essential — knowledge about its symptoms will help in early recognition and proper referral, while several modifications in the health system including focus on specialized dementia-trained personnel are urgently needed.

We kept searching. We kept pushing. And finally — when we identified the disease properly and got her the right diagnosis — everything changed.

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What Finally Helped Her

When we understood what we were dealing with, we changed our entire approach. Proper medication was the first step. But what made the most visible difference was something simpler and more powerful than any pill.

Family.

We gave her more time. More presence. More love. We stopped treating her symptoms as problems and started treating her as a person who needed us. The results, though slow, were real. Her behavior began to calm. Her distress reduced. She felt safer.

Social support is one of the most effective coping mechanisms for people living with dementia — social engagement has been shown to be among the most powerful tools available.

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7 Early Warning Signs of Dementia Every Pakistani Family Should Know

Based on my mother’s experience and medical research, here are the signs to watch for in your elderly loved ones:

1. Sudden personality changes — aggression, irritability in a previously calm person
2. Memory loss for recent events — forgetting what happened today but remembering the past clearly
3. Confusion about familiar places — getting lost at home or in their neighborhood
4. Changes in personal appearance — neglecting grooming or wearing mismatched clothes
5. Sleep disturbances — restlessness, shouting at night, reversed sleep patterns
6. Talking to people who are not there — confusing TV personalities or imaginary people for real ones
7. Forgetting ownership — not recognizing their own home or belongings

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Why Pakistani Families Struggle to Recognize Dementia

The reality is painful but important to say clearly. In Pakistan, one of the most striking findings is the lack of awareness of dementia and its symptoms — with families attributing the condition to stress, shock, social isolation, or in more extreme cases, black magic. These misconceptions lead to misunderstandings about care and prognosis.

There is also deep stigma. Strong family beliefs and an image-conscious society in Pakistan mean that seeking help outside the family is often interpreted by others as disrespectful — families feel they must personally take care of their elders, sometimes at the cost of proper medical care.

This needs to change. Seeking a diagnosis is not disrespect. It is love.

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What You Should Do If You Notice These Signs

1. Do not dismiss it as old age — dementia is a medical condition, not a normal part of aging
2. Visit a neurologist or psychiatrist — not just a general physician
3. Be persistent — if one doctor does not recognize it, seek a second opinion
4. Give extra time and presence — family support is powerful medicine
5. Remove safety hazards at home — lock doors, remove sharp objects, install nightlights
6. Join a support group — you are not alone in this journey

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A Message From My Heart

My mother was beautiful, strong and full of life. Dementia tried to take that from her. In some ways it did. But in other ways, it brought our family closer than we had ever been. We learned what it means to truly show up for someone.

If you are reading this and recognizing your own parent, your own family member — please do not wait. The earlier you act, the better the outcome. And please remember: there is no shame in asking for help. There is only love.

This blog exists because of my mother. And every word I write here is dedicated to her. 💙

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If this story helped you, please share it with someone whose family might need to read it. Awareness saves lives.

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